Tuesday, March 25, 2008

You

I would be holding you by now, little one. Most assuredly.

Our time together would not be limited to those few moments six months ago when you lay in the palm of my hand, curled on your side. I would not know only cries of anguish, as life-blood spilled and breasts grew heavy.

The cries of anguish would have turned to cries of joy as you were laid in my arms for the first time. Breasts would grow heavy and fill with milk to nourish and strengthen, not dry up painfully.

I would not remember brokenness.

No, I would look down and see you whole.

I can almost feel your weight in the crook of my arm. I can almost see the tawny fuzz on your tiny head, feel your fingers curled around my own. I inhale, and almost smell that new baby scent; it is heady, deliriously so. I feel weak as I close my eyes and smile.

I cannot see you whole, but I know you are. And your spirit is evident everywhere I look.

Eliana twinkles at me as she points to her pink dress, exclaiming "Blue!" just to make me grab and tickle. I see you.

Micah's breath touches my ear as he speaks his evening prayer. I feel you.

Corban leans to help the stroller down onto the street from the curb, his little boy sweatiness wafting my way. I inhale you.

Daddy lifts heavy boxes so I don't have to, sending winks and smiles my way. A thousand different ways, he says it every day. I love you.

Smiles, struggles, laughter, loss, winks and woes. You are part of us.

We miss you, and so we cling closer together; to feel your breath, see your twinkle, inhale your fragrance.

And the new gift that grows inside Mama, this miracle? Well. This child will also, most assuredly, remind us of *you*.

Love you.

Love,

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

48 fellow travelers shared:

Tracy said...

Oh Elise! My heart is soaring although there are tears on my cheeks! Congratulations to each of you! What a bittersweet time. But to everything there is a season, and this is the season to dance! Praise God!!!!

Quinne said...

Hi Elise :) Sending hugs tonight... and lots of love... and joy... and prayers. Love, Q

Michelle said...

My heart weeps as read your precious words. May God pour His blessing over you and your little gift. I will keep you in my prayers

Blessings, Michelle

Andrea said...

Joy and sorrow...intertwined.
That is His way..unexplained as it is.
Praising Him and praying for you, as always, friend!

Lyn said...

lots of prayers to you my friend.

Martie said...

So neat to hear you remembering - my heart is with you in your saddness and in your joy. How comforting to know the days of our life are in His hands!

I am so excited about your new life - and praying for you - for peace. Knowing He will stregthen you. You will remain in my prayers for the 221 days left.

Thanks for sharing you pain and your joy. You are a blessing my Friend,

~Martie

Ben, Kelly and Sophie said...

Elise, when I wrote on Kevin's blog I had no idea you had your own. Your writing is incredible. You made me feel each thought, emotion right along with you. Your family is in our prayers as you grow in strength, love and numbers!
Kelly

Sheila said...

Beautiful. I have nothing to add.

Mrs. "M" said...

So happy for you Elise! The baby we lost last fall was due today. What a beautiful post....meeting the joy and sorrow.
I'm ten weeks this week.....so Lord willing we will have babies very close together. Thanks for stopping by my blog....the morning sickness has been taking it's toll. Miserable yet rejoicing :o)

Blessings

Katie Eagy said...

Elise!! Elise!! Praise the Lord for your tiny sweet baby. I'll be praying for you, friend!

Thank you for what you wrote - it's been too long since I've grieved my baby who's with Jesus. I've read your post over and over, seems to be helping the tears flow and allow more grief to surface that has been tucked away. Love you, Elise, and I appreciate how often you bless me with what you write.

Blessings dear friend! I'm so excited for your whole family! Tell Kevin we said congrats!

Stacy said...

Dear Elise,

What a beautiful post.

Full of praise for this miracle, my friend!

Love and prayers,
~Stacy

Joy said...

Oh lovely one, how your words bless today.

And you know my prayers are with you!
In praise to the Father for His wonders never cease!

Rebeca said...

You have been in my prayers for many months since you said goodbye to that baby. Thank you for sharing your grief, and now your joy. I lost two babies to miscarriage before this pregnancy, and am now due any day. I pray that God will give you peace and joy as you carry this new and precious life, and that He will hold you all very close.
Rebeca

chickadee said...

so beautiful!
congratulations.

Joyful Days said...

Sending a hug & prayers.

Anonymous said...

I also lost a baby and this post was so real - and so touching to me. You were able to sum up the feelings I have carried with me since losing that little one 6 years ago. . . .

Praying for your comfort, peace, and joy as you welcome this new life growing inside you.

Congratulations!

Gina
ImagesbyGina@aol.com

MiPa said...

What a beautiful tribute...and an incredible blessing. Congratulations. I'm praying for you.

Beka said...

Through my tears...

Missing my own little miracle, and yet praising God-- for His faithfulness and loving care. So joyful for you, dear friend, and praying always for your new little one.

Beautiful, beautiful words today, Elise. You've touched my heart yet again.

Sending a big hug...

Jennspiration said...

Beautifully written Elise, we love you and are praying for you.

Stacey said...

This is EASTER!!!!!

Praise God for the new life within that has come after the very heavy cross, and the very painful death.

What joy we know when we have experienced the grief.


Thrilled for you all!

Beverly said...

This was so from the heart - the bittersweet is palpable. I loved the way you said that you can sense your little one in the reality of your three children. A wonderful way to remember, Elise. It makes me want to run over and give you a hug - a gentle one of course! Take care of yourself - I know you are blossoming and glowing with the new blessing you carry. I'm so glad you are back - I really missed you.

randi said...

Elise, this is precious. I am so happy to hear your wonderful news! (((HUGS)))!

Prairie Chick said...

Just wept when I read this. I've been "in that place" five times, and the combination of loss/joy over the new life filling a recently robbed womb is something I have never had anyone else I could really relate to on. Your words were like they were my own feelings, and Fernando Ortega in the background, well.... just perfect. Thanks for sharing your heart so openly and honestly, you blessed me to today.

Mindy said...

I am speechless. So sorry for your loss, and thankful for the new life inside of you.

Anna said...

Elise,

Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Your writing leaves me speechless today and I just wish I could give you a hug - an online one will have to do. :)

Rejoicing with you over this new baby growing under your loving heart!

~Anna

Melissa said...

I have never had a miscarriage and can't even imagine going through one twice. You've painted such a clear and moving picture of your experience that I feel I can better relate to those who have been and will be there.

Rejoicing with you over the news of another sweet life...

Anya said...

Elise, you helped me remember all the emotion we felt as I miscarried our own precious baby 3 years ago. How the Father turns mourning to dancing! May you enjoy the precious experience of carrying this new life. Congratulations!

Joel and Jaime said...

I'm rejoicing with you, along with everybody else :)

Ann V.@HolyExperience said...

And we see Little One too, in all of this love.

Delighting with you and the angels,

Ann

dumptrucksandteacups said...

What a wonderful season. God is so good!

Praying for you and this new little one.
Carrie

EEEEMommy said...

Sweet friend, I am blessed by your vulnerability and the way you share your heart with us!
I continue to pray for you as the wee one you are carrying!

Maxine said...

Beautifully done, Elise. God be with you and your new little one and with you as you miss the one that's in His arms. God bless your sweet family.

Holly said...

Weeping when you weep, rejoicing when you rejoice!

A large, gentle hug to you, dear Elise and family.

Orangehouse said...

Inspiring. You encourage me to resist the temptation to blame God for my pains. Thank you.

I am adding you to my blogroll; you write so beautifully.

Ness said...

Oh Elise, I had no idea! Praise God from whom all blessings flow. You have been in my prayers and will continue to be. God's timing is always perfect.

Audrey said...

You have been in my prayers alot dear one...as I go before Him, asking that this little one be delivered safely into your awaiting arms at the appointed time.

I am so thankful to hear your announcement!!

Smile, exhale, laugh with joy.....

Sarah said...

What a sweet way to announce your news while remembering your lost little one. I hope you've been getting that sickness I've been praying for for you. Mine is finally gone, but now little pokes and flutters of movement every now and then, I like this much better:). Praise the Lord for your newest little one Elise!
Love, Sarah

Mrs Wibbs said...

My lovely, precious friend... Being a mama is such a bittersweet experience! There is always grief entertwined with joy, times to let go and times to welcome in. We are with you in it all, sweet Elise!! Am praising Him with you that the pregnancy is progressing as it should, and praying also for peace beyond understanding, over the next weeks and months.
All my love
Rachel

~nanashouse~ said...

Joy mingled with sorrow. Dare we be "happy?" Oh, yes of course! Thank you, Lord, that You see our need for joy. You see our weakness as we draw nigh to You. You rejoice with us in our estate of clay. May we praise You Evermore!
Many blessings to you and your family as you await your sweet one!

Colorado Dreamin' said...

thanks for sharing that. I have 4 children but have lost 3 and know those feelings you expressed all too well. May God richly bless you as you welcome this new little one into your loving family. And even though we can NEVER forget those that are waiting for us in Heaven, we can know with peace that they are there in Jesus' hands.

Jodi said...

Yay! Congratulations on the new little life, and thank you for blessing us with such a beautiful picture of your other sweet little one.

Shannon said...

What a sweet post to your little one. It brings tears to my eyes to read and feel your words.

Congratulations on your news! I am overjoyed for you!

Laura said...

What a beautiful reminder that we never lose our Glory Babies-they are indeed remembered and seen and felt in different ways every day, and we will see them whole one day soon.

Congrats again, my friend, and you have been in my prayers!

Linnet's Nest said...

Congratulations on your wonderful news.

Your words were so moving and yet so comforting too. I too would have another one in my nest, but I know she is in heaven right now.

Blessings.

TaunaLen said...

Elise,

I rejoice with you. Isn't it sweet to realize that our Father knows every season. Orchestrates them all. Your letter reminds me of the times I sat with my mother over coffee, listening to her stories about what it was like to send me off to college. She saw me, felt me, smelled me, throughout the house. My life as a mother has been, always, about holding close, and letting go---never, ever ready for the letting go part. Not with a babe, not with an adult young woman or man. He's been easing me into this letting go...letting my heart adjust. I am so grateful.

Sorry to make this comment about my experience. What I really mean to say is that His grace is evident in your life, my friend. You inspire me to remember His gentle love, and trust Him more deeply, still.

Thank you,

~TaunaLen

Amy B said...

Beautiful, just beautiful!

You are awesome, Elise!

:..Rebekah..: said...

Beautiful.....Thank you for this. It touches the heart of this momma who has loved, lost, and will always remember a precious one....we will meet one sweet day.

Rebekah said...

Children are such a precious gift...Thank you for sharing this

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